A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window.
On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock."
Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading,
"Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."
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A small boy gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and passes his recently divorced mother's bedroom. He hears moaning and looks in her bedroom and sees her completely nude, rubbing herself all over and saying, "I need a man, I need a man...".
The small boy continues to the bathroom and then back to bed. This same thing happens several nights in a row, until one evening when he looks in her bedroom a man is making passionate love to his mother. The boy quickly runs back into his room, tears off all of his clothes, jumps into bed and starts rubbing himself all over, saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike..."
George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!